My father has been dead for a little over a month now and things have drastically changed for me. It truly has been a blessing in disguise. While I am tempted to say it’s one of the best things to have happened to me, I feel like that’s a “bad” thing to feel and say (sigh).
It’s one of those significant events in my life. Right up there with the end of my suicidal thoughts and ideations that had been plaguing me for decades. I thought I’d written about that, but I don’t see. Another blog for another day.
Anyway, it feels like night and day. From March 21st (a Friday). to March 23rd (Sunday), it’s a total transformation, and one I didn’t expect. I got the call Saturday, early afternoon (my time), my father lives on the west coast. It’s funny because when I got the news at work that my mother had died, I was a little upset and ended up leaving work with the help of a friend at work.
That was not the case when my father died. After I got the call on Saturday, I expected to feel upset all day long, but that did not happen at all on that day. I kept on thinking “I should be upset.” but I was not. That was the rest of my Saturday.
Sunday was completely different in the most unexpected way. I felt quite good on Sunday. In fact, I felt really good on Sunday, and I had no idea that would happen to me.
It was dramatic change for me.
The anxiety I’d been feeling for years (decades, more likely). had disappeared. I was not expecting that. I had struggled with depression for decades. along with anxiety for a long time.
Now I know the anxiety is gone since my father’s death, but I feel like I need to wait to determine whether or not the depression has lifted also. Time will tell.
Not only has the anxiety disappeared, but also there has been a peace of mind that has been a long time coming. I never thought it would happen.
The weeks since my father’s death, I continue to feel anxiety free, even after 2 months. It’s been an awfully long time. My depression hasn’t been seen, but I’m not ready to say that’s over just yet. Time will tell on that one.
The near constant running commentary in my head has quieted quite a bit. And the commentary was about nothing, really, just a constant source of thoughts and words that interfered with my peace of mind. That is pretty much gone, though I do sometimes need to be vigilant about those thoughts coming back. All in all, though, I have a lot more peace than I’ve had in an awfully long time.
There might be more thoughts on this, I’m not sure, but this is it for now. Thanks to all who read these posts.