PT.3
As I was sitting in the jury box waiting for questions from both sides, `I looked at the defendant. and discovered his family was sitting in the audience section of the courtroom. I was calm at this point as nothing had happened yet. It was a rare moment of calm which didn’t last long. The judged mentioned that this was a murder trial, with an illegal weapon.
The attorneys began to ask questions. The folks in the jury box began to bare their souls. It almost felt like an interrogation, like somehow we were at fault. One person admitted to having anxiety, another admitted to having PTSD. I didn’t say anything about having anxiety, PTSD and Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD or today DID). Looking back, at this time I should have asked for a private session away from the public in a private room off the courtroom.
Needless to say, I did not do that, unfortunately. I didn’t say anything about my anxiety nor my PTSD nor by MPD. It was as if the voice I’d found after all these years and hard work suddenly went silent.
Anyway, back to the jury box. The prosecutors went first. Each side had a certain amount of time to ask questions to the 18 of us there. General questions at first, hence some people baring their souls so to speak. I think I answered one or two questions, I don’t remember. After that, the questions began to go to individual people.
Eventually the prosecutor got to me. One of the general things that came up, was how we would feel about autopsy photos and video. I mentioned, as far as the video that as long as there was enough light for me to see it, it would be fine.
At some point, during the questioning, I began to dissociate. I was sitting in the bottom row of jury box. I looked at the paneling in front of me in the jury box. There was nothing else around me. No other potential jury members around me, no people in the audience, no judge, no lawyers. Absolutely nothing. No sound. The only thing I saw was the paneling in front of me.
I have no idea how long it lasted. I came out of the dissociation when the judge, lawyers and court reporter go into a side room to make decisions about who stays and who goes.
The judge, lawyers, and court reporters eventually came out of the room and announced their decisions. Fortunately, I was not one of those chosen.
But the damage from the entire jury process had been done and it deeply affected me. More on this next.