PT3
While I only tried to kill myself only once, the suicidal ideation continued for years (decades!).
One example of this was I would play “chicken” with cars. Crossing the road while a car was coming, luckily, I never got hit. But that was one example of my strong desire to die without committing suicide. Kind of similar to “suicide by cop.” And it didn’t end there. I was afraid of heights because I thought if I got close to the edge I’d jump. The suicidal thought would also creep in while driving too.
Therapy did help to some extent. It took the edge off of truly wanting to die, but I wasn’t really living either. It was like an uneasy truce. It didn’t help either that I was lost spiritually. All of that began to change once I met the person who would truly help me heal.
I had been about five years removed from therapy at this time. Through a series of circumstances, I ended up looking for a massage therapist. The one I found also happened to have been a certified spiritual life coach. I began to work with this massage therapist/life coach, not only getting massages but also using her life coaching services.
A funny thing happened along the way. My body began releasing the trauma it had stored in it. I started to rediscover a spiritual path, and the others found someone they could talk to do their own healing. In this process the suicidal thoughts and ideation began to diminish and for the first time in my life, I began thinking about the future. Never before had I thought about the future since there was none for me, or so I thought. My focus had shifted from death to life.