The journey of acceptance that there were others around me was not a short one nor an easy one. There was no widespread internet to look things up, no resources to look for and no one like me to talk to. I knew I wasn’t unique, there was just no one I knew who was similar to me. At the same time though, I wasn’t about to shout from the rooftops I was a multiple either. I relied on books to provide information and clues to help me process what was going on inside. There were bits and pieces I could relate to once I got through some of my denial and really looked hard at some interesting happenstances.
There was the time in high school when I was walking down a hallway with no one nearby. I heard my name being called and turned around thinking someone behind me was calling my name. I turned around to see who it was and there was no one there. I didn’t thing anymore of that incident other than I thought I heard my name being called but was mistaken. I now know that voice was an alter whispering to me as if saying “we are here.”
Another incident had to do with my “missing time.” That too flew under the radar. It never occurred to me there was anything wrong with lost years. There were no lines o communication in my family, so I couldn’t ask anyone. There certainly was no one outside the family either to talk to. Again, it seemed normal to and the only time this came up for me was during nostalgic periods with acquaintances when the “remember when….” My answer always seemed “no.” It seemed like I was always the only one who said no. And while it irritated me, I still did not question why that was. I don’t think there were too many things I did question.
The one event that helped convince me was when a suicidal alter came out and I was actually present for this. I don’t remember what triggered this alter coming out, but I was aware of what was going on. It was like I was standing right behind them following along with them but feeling powerless to do anything about it. I myself at the time wasn’t feeling suicidal but this alter was. I’ll explain those dynamics in a future post. At any rate, if something did happen to me, I didn’t want it to seem like my death was a suicide since I wasn’t feeling suicidal at the time. So, I did the only rational thing: I made a cake. I know, I know, but it made sense to me at the time. After all, you wouldn’t be baking a cake if you were planning on killing yourself.
That last event helped convince me that yes, I did have multiple personalities.